Stranded
There was a man who had been stranded on a desert island for the last twenty years, when all of a sudden a beautiful girl steps up from the sea, wearing a wet suit.

She: "Would you like a cigarette?"

He: "Sure." (He takes one from the wet-suit, light it, and smokes it.)

She: "Would you like a martini?"

He: "Sure." (He gets the very special 007 shaken, not stirred, martini from her wet suit.)

Then she says, with a gleam in her eye: "Would you like to play around?"

He: "I don't believe that you've got a set of golf clubs in there!"

A Lesson......
The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson. "Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?" she asked the instructor.

"P-u-t-t is correct," he replied. "'Put' means to place a thing where you want it. 'Putt' means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

Free Fall......
What's's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn." A bad skydiver goes, "Damn." WHACK!

The Punishment......
It seems there was this priest who just LOVED to golf, but he had been very busy for many months and had not been able to get away to go golfing. Well, one Sunday morning he woke up and felt he just HAD to go golfing. The weather was just beautiful.

He called up the Bishop and claimed he had a really bad case of laryngitis and couldn't preach, so the Bishop told him to rest for several days. He then got out his clubs and headed off for the golf course.

He set up at the first hole, making sure no one was there to see him playing hookey, and blasted the ball with his wood. It was a beautiful shot! It went straight and true. It bounced, and bounced (right up onto the green) and rolled its way closer... and closer... a hole-in-one!! The priest jumped up and down in his excitement, praising the Lord and shouting hallelujahs!

He struts off to the green, collects his ball, and tees off at the second hole, repeating his performance on the first hole, much to his astounded delight.

All this time St. Peter and God have been watching him from the gates of heaven. St. Peter has finally seen enough to pique his curiousity. "Lord," he says, "this priest seems to be a real trouble maker. He ignored his congregation and even LIED to go golfing. And now you reward him with a hole-in-one! Why?"

God smiles and looks over at St. Peter and says, "I'm punishing him." St. Peter looks very confused and asks God for an explanation. God replies, "Well, after he finishes his game by himself, who can he tell his story to?"

Cheaters......
Jeff and Ian were out for their usual round of golf one day. "Tell you what, Ian, let's make this game worth our time. I'll bet you a dollar that I score lower than you do this round."

"Sounds good, Jeff."

And they were off. They matched scores for the first eight holes, and things were looking good when they teed off on the ninth. After their first drives, they trooped off for the next stroke. Problem was, Jeff could not find his golf ball. He looked all over, but to no avail. "Ian, help me look for the ball!"

"I'll look around from here, Jeff, but don't forget--a lost ball counts as four strokes!"

Jeff looked around some more, but couldn't find the ball. Finally, out of desperation, he snuck a new ball out of his pocket, and dropped it on the ground when Ian was not looking. "Ian, I've found it!" he then yelled.

Ian exploded: "You cheater! How dare you! I never thought that any man I played a friendly round with would stoop to cheating for a mere dollar!" Jeff replied, "What do you mean 'cheater'? I found that ball, I'll play it where it lies!" Ian said,

"That's not your golf ball! I've been standing on your ball for five minutes!"